Friends lost, friends gained.

There comes a time in everyone's life when they stand alone, altogether, to face the world. I am on that spot right now. The so-called friends in college leave your back at some point or the other. The people you depended once in your life on leave you and move on. You are left alone, to fight the world alone.

I used to have a bog friend circle once, bubbling with friends, always up to something or the other. They ditched me and went away. Then came one friend in my life who apparently took a stand for me but then fucked my life badly and left me without any support. I tried to start off again with one more person who helped me gain my confidence in life back and made me stand on my feet all over again. But distances grew and we moved apart owing to the less time we spent together. I made two more friends and re-gained confidence back in life but they ditched me badly. Meanwhile, guys came in and left me. I fell in love and we moved apart. I kept crying my eyes out and he never turned back to wipe them off.

After such a roller-coaster ride in life, I trust no one now or rather I have lost my trust in people. As I sit here to pen down my feelings in order to feel a little lighter, I realise how much have I lost in just a span of five years. Feels like I've had a lifetime here and after this there is nothing else left which I need to do.

I miss few of the people I have lost, but they do not. I wonder if they ever will. I also feel happy to get rid of the people I was with, but that gives me no solace. I cherish the people who still stayed with me or are with me right now, but the loss keeps lingering in my head and does not let me enjoy the life left.

As I write all this down, teary eyed, I feel my heart sinks with pain for the friends I have lost and for the people who never turned back. I hope that I try to cherish my life without them and accept the truth and move on quickly.

Last year and few bad things - Ending of the Law school

Last year of law school definitely makes you philosophical. As I pen down this post sitting in my comfortable hostel room, I re-live the years spent in this college. Every memory is as fresh as new. But I am penning them down here.

People change and you realise that the person you hated the most all these years never cared about your hatred or the person you never talked to always wanted to talk to you. You forget the grudges and try to be with everyone. The huge groups once broken are reformed, with just different people in it. The 'lovers' become the most dreaded people around, leaving behind the people who hated you.

We learn to survive in the saddest of conditions in life, with the cleverest of people around. Law school does teach you how to live life in the cruel world outside.

Leaving that behind, you start feeling like 'know-it-all' by the end of four years and feel like not studying anymore. Juniors treat you like God and come for advise on every matter ever possible. It feels great to be of help but it leaves a lingering feeling inside that you are leaving college pretty soon. Friends plan trips to spend maximum quality time and people want to celebrate your birthdays around.

Midst all this happiness around, you feel the growing tension of getting yourself settled with some job and finding a decent paying 'naukri' after law school. The one lagging back paper brings chills down your spine at times and you feel that it will be so embarrassing to give it in your final year.

All said and done, last year of law school is definitely fun. Even though the tension of not having a decent job pricks you every now and then, it still feels like an achievement having spent five successful years in law school, and surviving it! :) 

Just like that!

For a change I don't know from where to start writing, because even I don't know how it all started. A few months (or may be weeks) back, I made a new friend. It was as unusual as it could be.

I was always under the impression that no one reads my blogs and so whatever i write, no one will get to know. I used writing blogs as a way to get my emotions out. But this person one read them, scrutinized them, and gave me new ideas to improve on.

Just like that we started talking, and just like that we became great friends! We shared every happiness, every sad episode and every bit of "butter naan". He was the only person who believed in me, who believed that I have the potential to do something, otherwise I, myself, had lost hope in me.

And just like that, one fine day, while having one of those fine talks, we moved apart. I don't know why and I don't have a clue either. I kept waiting, but the silence never broke.

Just like that, I lost a close friend, the only person who believed in me, and an awesome "eating partner". I never felt so bad about myself, never felt so odd about myself, and never felt so left out.

Things became wrong, just like that. Everything ended, just like that. And just like that I hope that if he reads this post, he realises why things went wrong and explain them to me as well.

I'm sorry that there's no chance for you, but there's no chance for you step out of the friendship we have! I hope you understand.

Nostalgia

Memories are something which you treasure so much that when you actually see them or get a chance to relive them again, you use the opportunity to the fullest.

This idea came up in my mind after i walked down the memory lane. A house warming started it all. Roaming around for a "freaky" gift and then meeting the friends you used to do "khurafats" with was ultimate experience. At that moment, life could not have been better. And then, one of the best times spent in my life, my school days, came up to life. The school reunion brought back all the good and bad memories of the school. The corridors where we used to "hang" around, the canteen samosas and chai, the third last bench of class, the AV room where we used to sing songs on mic and get scolded for, the chemistry lab where I dropped concentrated sulphuric acid on myself, the talks sitting in the "nali", all the memories came back to life, one by one. And the feeling of reliving them was so great that I wanted to stay in that feel forever.

Photos and videos are the only things left for us now, to remember the good times we've spent. But they don't suffice at times. And thus attempts like this gain so much importance, you realise it when you act on it.

L.I.F.E.

When i was small, life used to be so simple, so naive, and so beautiful. Everything seemed to be attractive and there were no "strings attached" with anything coming your way. Any problem at school, used to stay there only. Friends were either your bench partners or lunch partners. Even the biggest of the fights were solved by a plain sorry or a "coffee bite".

But as i grew old, i started to feel the weight of this world. The responsibilities which come along with the friends, the many problems you have to face due to a very small act of your's, the talks behind your back just because you talk to another friend who is not your friend's friend. Things were no more simple and attractive. They had started to become complex and dull. I was getting the feel of responsibilities on my shoulder. But i was still trying to shrug them away and lead the life on my terms.

As i grew older, i realised that the world is just too ugly, and you cannot live it your way. Your friends are the one's who are your real foes. They are the one's trying to pull you down to reduce the competition around. Competition was the buzz word. Everyone was competing against everyone. There were no simple talks and simple outings, everything had a purpose behind it. No more innocent games and group of "best friends". The definitions began to change. "Friends" became someone whom you say "hi" to and "best friends" became someone whom you hang out with. The set of friends changed with every season. Everything had a string attached to it, every person had an ulterior motive to talk. Responsibilities grew, and so did the complexities of the world.

In such a scenario, to find "real" friend became the toughest task of my life. A thing which was always taken for granted became a type of mission in my life. I did just too much of self analysis in order to realise my capabilities, capture my kind of people, indulge in my kind of activities and make my kind of friends.

Today, when i look back to the definitions framed when i was 5 and compare them to what they are when i'm 20, i find a sea change. A change which i never wanted to be there, a change which i never expected. And it is now that i realise what growing old is, what getting "raw" experience is. It is your experience which teaches you about life and not anyone else's experiences. Today, when i know myself well enough, and know the people around me well enough, i see the world as it is. And i, again, find it beautiful.

Amazing school life, horrible ending!!

School is the best part of one's life. It not only teaches us how to be disciplined but makes us go equally wild!! The best part of school life is FRIENDS- with whom we used to spend most of our day- talking, gossiping, eating, drinking(water!!), studying- basically enjoying!!!

As the days near an end, i wonder if all the friends, with whom i spent my spent my golden days, be there with me forever?? Will we ever be able to chatter carelesly again?? And as we painfully part, promising to stay in touch forever, i wonder if all this be realised??

Just a few days of separation has made us feel like strangers, i dont expect all those "fake" promises of staying in contact were ever true. We rarely talk now, rarely meet and rarely sit and chatter like we did. This is awfully painful but strangely unavoidable!! The best part of my life will finally move away from me- forever- merely being part of our varoius profiles or mere phone numbers in our old cell phones which will never be touched again!!!

Dreams Shattered

When i was small, people used to ask what you want to become when you grow up?
i used to reply- i want to become an officer, without even knowing the meaning of it!!

Then as i grew old, i used to say - i want to become an IAS officer, but then my dreams were "shattered" for reasons unexplained...

Then i thought of taking up commerce and then becoming a CA, but then again, as always, my dreams were "shattered" for reasons unexplained...

But still i dreamt of doing law and then PG in journalism.. And now i fear that my dreams will again be "shattered" for reasons unexplained.. And i just cant stop it from happening!!!